Lately, I have been struggling with the fact that my life has changed. When I first started treatment for Lyme disease, my mindset was that I get through this. I was willing to put in the time. I figured a year would be sufficient. I tested CDC positive for Lyme; I tested negative for the big 3 co-infections. Assuming that the results were correct, I set my mind to healing.
I still worked but my boss gave me the utmost flexibility to leave as needed and/or take absences as needed. I didn’t attend as many social events. I tried to get my proverbial plate as empty as possible. And, I made progress. I did. The backaches subsided, the intense daily neck pain finally went away, the migraines became less frequent, the exhaustion became manageable. All of this was great. Then, I guess I hit a plateau.
So, here I am. I am not 100%. Honestly, inside I feel about 40% of my old self. Outside, I think people actually see me as almost 80%. I am a great faker and a great lier when it comes to the presentation of myself to the outside world. I am sure this is the case for all of us with a chronic disease. But since school started this fall, I feel like I am backsliding. The extreme exhaustion is creeping back in.
I have started seeing my my life from the outside. It is a weird feeling. Does anyone else have bouts of this? I don’t think it is disassociative disorder, but maybe just parts of it. Sometimes, in order to get through the day and what it entails, I separate myself from my physical body. Creepy! No, not in a creepy way! When I do this, I feel like I can make it. It is as if I am managing my symptoms from the outside with less attachment to the pain and whatever discomfort is going on at that minute. The problem is though that I have been doing this for a few weeks now and it is starting to feel like I have two different lives. I just don’t know how to explain it well. Really, though, does anyone else have this going on or something similar?
It’s almost as if, when I do this, the separation, that I am looking at my life and my actions in a snowglobe. Sorry, it’s the best analogy I can think of! 🙂 I am guessing this is a coping mechanism the brain sets up. However, I just don’t want it to become a rabbit hole. Also, I am concerned that this snowglobe effect will become a crutch in the sense that at this point in time, I am not dealing well with the fact that I am now 19 months into treatment and I have hit a wall. Like everyone else with Lyme and chronic disease, this wasn’t my PLAN!
I am hoping all of you out there are having better days than not. Drop me a comment in regards to this thing I have going on with me mentally if you feel comfortable doing so. I appreciate any and all comments!
Happy weekend, pumpkins – B