For those of you up north, autumn arrived weeks ago, if not months ago! But here in the south, we have been waiting restlessly. Two weeks ago, it was still 90 degrees off and on. While we had a semi cool front, it sure didn’t stick around. But, this past week, temperatures at night have dropped to around 55, and in the daylight, it has only climbed to about 85 degrees. This is sheer heavenly weather, people!
So, this morning I was up by 6:30 – crazy, I know – brewed some coffee, then headed out to my little deck overlooking our mini pond. I took a stack of grading with me, but still, it was so beautiful outside. It was so very quiet and peaceful and honestly, it was just what the soul needed after battling through this past week. Thank you Mother Earth!
While it was a short week for us, every day felt like 2 combined into one. It really was that crazy. But it isn’t out of the ordinary, unfortunately. And, no matter how much I seem to get done on the weekend work-wise, I still feel overwhelmed almost every single day at work. Every time I think I have my head just above the water, something comes rushing in and I start to sink again. I am sure all of us have had this feeling at one time or another. It isn’t a good feeling, that’s for sure!
I take things off my plate. I delegate. I make lists. I ask for help. And still, I feel like things just keep coming at me, like bugs on a car windshield on a cool summer evening. I have reorganized, streamlined and outsourced. And still. Those damn bugs keep coming. In the past, my adrenaline would get me through, but I’m all out of that good stuff at this point. I only recently have felt even the twinge of a rush, and it didn’t last. Sure, I can push myself even harder, but then I just have to pay on the other side, in my personal life, which has already taken several hits in the past few years. Already, I come home from work wiped completely out, acting like Mr. Grumpy Pants. Pushing to get some chores done after the daily grind, you know little things like a laundry load and feeding the dogs, ultimately become humongous tasks, and my head and back start screaming for relief. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful I still have my job, but at this point, I am wondering, is it helping or hindering my recovery?
My brain is going around and around about this. When I first started treatment, I knew I did not want to stop working. It kept the illusion of “everything is ok” in play for me. This has gone on for about 19 months now. And, I have made progress. Lately, though, I feel like I have hit a wall in my recovery, and I am nowhere near the finish line yet. I am trying to figure out then, what has to give in my overall world to make room for me to work on my health even more. Anyone else in this predicament? And if so, how are you going about making a decision?
I am in a quandary. But, there is no need to make any decision today. I am going to keep working outside as long as I can until it heats up. I am going to breath in deeply and relax. I am going to drink my coffee and ponder ABSOLUTELY nothing.
I hope you all are having a great weekend – B