I think I may have mentioned before that I am in the process of accepting, or at least trying to accept, the fact that this disease is going to take a while to shake off. Not only am I struggling to come to terms with that, I am also struggling with the notion that this is a chronic condition (even though the CDC denies this fact). For me, there is a fine line between acknowledging the illness and embracing it. What I mean is that in my messed up brain, I feel like acknowledging that I do have chronic Lyme equals giving in. And, I am not a fan of that!
It is ridiculous, I know. Accepting does not equal giving in, but again, in my lymie brain, getting over the semantics of it seems to be a real challenge! Plus, I just read an article about Debbie Gibson in which she states that she doesn’t call her experience with Lyme Disease a battle, she calls it “overcoming” Lyme Disease. See here: http://www.people.com/article/debbie-gibson-lyme-disease-recovery. She says that referring to Lyme Disease as a battle gives it more power. Maybe. Maybe. So, I guess for me, maybe this is a similar conundrum.
Yes, there are bigger and more important fish to fry! But the reality is that I have been dealing with this disease for several years now. I spent about 4 years sick with no idea what was going on, and now I have spent another 21 months in treatment. Sometimes, it is difficult to think about all of this time spent “overcoming” this illness. Although, many people out there have suffered way longer than I have for sure. I just feel like the words I use in my self talk are really important. Do you feel this way? Or am I wasting time on something that really means nothing?
At first, when I started treatment, I did feel that it was a battle. But now, almost 2 years later, I feel battle weary. I was really hoping it would be a short war, and that I would be the victor! I bet we all had hoped this!! But here I am, years later and still, every day feels like I am fighting. Fighting to get up, to go to work, to make it through the work day…etc. I sure do not feel like I am overcoming anything! Lately, though, I have tried to just accept that indeed, getting up each day for work is a challenge, working all day is a challenge. I am trying to get my brain in sync with my body but without giving in.
Does any of this make any sense to anyone out there? Bottom line is that I know I need to accept this stage I am in more than I do right now so I can hopefully move forward and deal with life as it is right now a little better. But how do I acknowledge or accept where I am right now without feeling or thinking that I am giving in? Can anyone relate to this at all and if so, can you give me any suggestions/advice?
Wishing you all a pain free day. Peace-B