I just wanted a few days….

First off, I hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas and that it wasn’t too stressful. Ours was quiet, more quite than usual. Our winter break started Saturday, December 20th, and I had been counting the hours. Not that I dislike my job at all; I was just looking forward to the uninterrupted and unscheduled – mostly – time until returning on January 6th. The past few weeks leading up to the breAk had been wrought with both personal and work drama. More work drama than anything.

The weekend was good and then Monday and Tuesday, I was feeling the best I have felt in months! I had energy, and I was working through my lists at a nice speed! 😁 I thought I was being careful and not pushing it to hard. It was exciting. Then, bam. Party over, sucker! I woke up Christmas Eve with a sore throat, and, well, it’s been all downhill from there. While I was able to cook a turkey that day get all of the gifts wrapped, and although we had a nice romantic dinner, I felt like hell. Christmas day was worse. I literally was in bed all day. Missing a trip to visit and dinner with the wonderful in-laws, I stayed in bed and pondered my life.

I’ve really been trying to be more accepting of my situation and more accepting of my physical limitations, which can change at any given moment as I am sure many of you have experienced. My initial reactions have been to become really upset and disappointed which then leads to stress, then to sadness and depression. The 4 S slope as I have coined it! The stressful, self-indulgent, sad, slippery slope!  Down, down, down.

But what I am beginning to realize is that that kind of behaviour sets me back. Making myself go through that rollercoaster changes nothing. I still do not have the energy or I am too sick to attend an event, dinner, baby shower, whatever. It also leaves me much worse off physically and mentally. I need to change my “stinking thinking” as they say in AA.

So, yes, it was indeed disappointing that I could not go to celebrate  Christmas at my in-laws as planned. I wanted to spend time with them. Instead, I had a little chat with myself assessing how I felt and thinking and saying, “It will be best for me to stay home today. Between the Lyme and cold infection, I have no business running around today, and that is ok!” While this seems like such a little thing to do, I guess it psychologically gave me permission to stay home without

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feeling guilty. My in-laws were gracious as always, but the best thing for me was the kindness I showed myself. I need to practice this much, much more!

While I still have a cold, I am wishing for a speedy recovery so I can still enjoy the rest of our break. How was your Christmas? Anything you would like to share about dealing with Lyme during the holidays?

Wishing you peace and lots of joy – B

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All the Noise, Noise, Noise!

Howdy! Hope we are all having some relief!  Lately, I have developed a sincere noise sensitivity. At first I thought , oh, I can’t really hear well (although I have never had any issues with my hearing). Then, it was, oh, I am just getting old (although I really am barely middle age). And then, I finally realized that I am having some certain noise sensitivities! This is a newer symptom, and it seems to get worse as I progress in my treatment. I have read about people having both noise and light sensitivities with Lyme, but I have always been very sensitive to light  and only just recently am I noticing the noise issues.

Hmm. No bueno! I don’t seem to struggle much when it is a one on one conversation but if the pitch is too high or low, watch out! My poor husband. We get up early for work, about 5:15 a.m. and there are some mornings like today, that I keep telling him to please lower his voice a tad to the point where I can’t even hear him. Then he is like WTH?!?!  It’s a weird feeling when this happens. It is almost like the sound travels in my ears directly to my brain and zaps it. My thoughts start jumbling up and my head starts to hurt. Does anyone else have this experience?

Of course, it is waaaaay worse in a crowd, and by crowd, I mean like more than 4 people. Haha! No, really. In a crowd, there are just so many different noises and pitches and inflections. I try to focus on one, but I just can’t. When this happens, I get really frustrated. Some places/situations I have issues: when one person is talking to me at the speed of lightening, talking on the phone, parties, classes, stores. You name it. Pretty much anywhere there is a cacophony. It for sure makes it even more difficult to socialize…..What is “that”, you ask? 🙂

It’s been happening more and more lately so I am going to discuss it with my doctor on the 22nd. However, I am guessing there is nothing that can be done? I mean besides becoming a hermit which I have down except for this silly working thing. I am making light of all of this but it can be really irritating and depressing. Anyone else dealing with this phenomenon and if so, how do you do it without becoming the Grinch, like me?

GrinchPeace and joy to all of you. Thank you so very much for stopping by and reading.  – B

Cry Baby!

So I’ve been quite weepy this weekend. I’m not going to say I never cry, but for the most part, this is a rare occurrence. Basically, I cried some on the way home from work on Friday, cried myself to sleep last night and then, after my husband left for work this morning, I had a mini cry session. What the heck is going on?!?!

I would blame it on my cycle, but luckily, it isn’t that time. I would blame it on what someone said, but besides my husband, I haven’t been around anyone else. Nothing happened at work to spark this; in fact, Friday was a good day teaching-wise. No event, no conversation, no outside force has caused this. Maybe it s hormones affected by the Lyme? Maybe a release of anxiety?

I don’t know, but whatever it is, it is making me feel very depressed. I can only seem to focus on the negative. I’m questioning my treatment, my sanity, my work and my relationships. Right now, I feel like the world is closing in on me. I am worried, exhausted, and stressed. Things like this are running through my head right now: Should I change my treatment? Should I try to cut down at work, somehow, someway? And if I can do this, will it make any difference at all? Or will I go another 2 years, seeing some improvement, but “not quite enough”? Can I even make it another year like this? At half capacity? Dragging myself through each day? Losing the joy for life chip by chip? As per the Indigo Girls, been feeling like these lines, ” We’re sculpted from birth/ the chipping away make me weary,/ and as for the truth/ seems like we just pick a theory.”

Struggling to stay positive, I think to myself, “so many other people out there have it worse that you!” I know this in my heart, but right now, I am being self-centered and feeling sorry for myself. I’m in a dark and lonely place right now, and I just have to own it. Embrace the feelings and move on. For today, I am in a full embrace and it’s hard to let go.

PaulNewmananigif_enhanced-buzz-12372-1379309462-6I hope you all are having a better day than I. Adding a pic of my favorite actor of all time….enjoy!    Peace -B

Haul Out the Holly

Hi all, so this may not be the only post about the Holidays. Back in the day, I would almost be ready to go for Christmas at this point in the year. But in these past few years, it has become more and more difficult for me to get motivated to do anything related to the holidays. Here at our house, we celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s.

 

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I’m trying not to dread it, the Holiday Season. Yet, every time I turn around, we are getting closer and closer to that time of year. Thanksgiving wasn’t really that crazy, and honestly, neither are the other holidays really. Our family keeps it pretty low key all the way around, but I am still feeling anxious, I guess. There are just so many expectations involved, and I can barely meet any expectations the rest of the year! I am looking at the holidays as a break from work and time to rest, but that is not what most people have in mind. I know that I should be out visiting family and friends, socializing and having fun but a lot of the time, I am just not up for it. This may sound crazy, but with Lyme, I have experienced sound and light sensitivity along with anxiety. Sometimes, it is a little and sometimes the anxiety is huge. Especially when I am in large groups. There is so much going on and so much stimulus, it just becomes very overwhelming.

But hey, overall, I am just trying to be very thankful for all the love and kindness my family and friends have been showing me throughout this journey and, as for fretting about the holidays?  Thems First World Problems, yo.

Sending the sugar plum fairies your way -B