So I’ve been quite weepy this weekend. I’m not going to say I never cry, but for the most part, this is a rare occurrence. Basically, I cried some on the way home from work on Friday, cried myself to sleep last night and then, after my husband left for work this morning, I had a mini cry session. What the heck is going on?!?!
I would blame it on my cycle, but luckily, it isn’t that time. I would blame it on what someone said, but besides my husband, I haven’t been around anyone else. Nothing happened at work to spark this; in fact, Friday was a good day teaching-wise. No event, no conversation, no outside force has caused this. Maybe it s hormones affected by the Lyme? Maybe a release of anxiety?
I don’t know, but whatever it is, it is making me feel very depressed. I can only seem to focus on the negative. I’m questioning my treatment, my sanity, my work and my relationships. Right now, I feel like the world is closing in on me. I am worried, exhausted, and stressed. Things like this are running through my head right now: Should I change my treatment? Should I try to cut down at work, somehow, someway? And if I can do this, will it make any difference at all? Or will I go another 2 years, seeing some improvement, but “not quite enough”? Can I even make it another year like this? At half capacity? Dragging myself through each day? Losing the joy for life chip by chip? As per the Indigo Girls, been feeling like these lines, ” We’re sculpted from birth/ the chipping away make me weary,/ and as for the truth/ seems like we just pick a theory.”
Struggling to stay positive, I think to myself, “so many other people out there have it worse that you!” I know this in my heart, but right now, I am being self-centered and feeling sorry for myself. I’m in a dark and lonely place right now, and I just have to own it. Embrace the feelings and move on. For today, I am in a full embrace and it’s hard to let go.