Back to the Twelve Steps

Howdy out there, friends and a big Happy New Year! I can’t lie, it’s been a tough couple of weeks. Coming down with a cold on Christmas Eve and working itself into some kind of bronchitis, I am just now starting to resurface into the land of the living. Seriously. While the holidays were great, I was sick for much of the winter break. And, I barely made it back to work this week; three days out and a trip to the doctor finally has culminated in what I hope to be a complete recovery from this midwinter cold! I hope all of you fared much better over the course of the holidays.

Did I make any resolutions? Not so much. Except this. Health has to come first this year. No matter what. A friend and I were visiting last week, and she asked me what the hardest part of having this chronic disease is, and I really had to think for a minute. For me, the most difficult thing has been this: I am a workaholic or at least I was. Working hard and giving it my all has always been a brick and mortar component of my identity. Working hard and being independent. Learning how to step back a bit, learning how to balance work and home; learning how to say no, or no, I can’t do it? These have been really difficult challenges.  In recent months, I have had to, just for survival reasons, take a few things off my plate. Framing this is a positive way to myself is the real struggle for me. I am trying to take it all in strides and to learn as much of what I can about myself as I go through this process.

Have I learned anything thus far? I think so? 🙂 I have learned that NO amount of stubborness and hardheadedness (what a word!) will make something happen if I physically and/or emotionally cannot do it! Ha ha! As if this needs to be learned at my age! But apparently, it does. So that is one thing. What else? Yes, that in fact, the world will not end if I cannot do something or take on another responsibility. And, I have also learned that if I do not answer an email ASAP, nothing will actually catch on fire. Again, I laugh at myself for being a bit anal and uptight this long as far as some of these things are concerned. I have also learned how amazing my support system is and how grateful I am to the people who put up with me each and every day.

If I had to make an analogy, and I will although no one is asking, I would say that for me, dealing with a chronic illness is like the road to recovery. Like AA, or Al-Anon in my case. Here’s what I mean. Every single day has to be taken one at a time. I have to be diligent to not fall off the wagon of gratitude and thankfulness into the pit of depression. I have to keep looking for those little daily gems of awesomeness and learn to enjoy them. The first step in Al-Anon is to admit we are powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. Instead, I substitute Lyme Disease for alcohol. So, here it goes, 2015. I admit that I am powerless over Chronic Lyme Dis-ease and that my life has become unmanageable.

Damn. That was hard.

DaliLama

Hope this finds you all well and toasty. Peace – B

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