Word Loss

**WARNING – THIS POST IS DEPRESSING. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ALREADY FEEL DOWN.

These past 2-3 weeks have not been good for me. I am struggling in every single area of my life: work, personal, mentally, physically. I have not been optimistic in awhile. Between attempting to cope with my cognitive issues, which have become many of late, along with the physical challenges of nausea and body pain, my personal relationships are indeed failing. I can see it happening, but I don’t know what to do to make it stop. Any of it.

I do my best at work. I know my attitude is not always optimal, but I am really trying my hardest. Communication is difficult even on a “good” day. And communication, well that’s kinda “my thing.” It’s something I take great pride in and something I have been good at my entire life. But not now. Although an overused analogy, my brain feels like swiss cheese. I can’t remember regular words such as pliers, consistency or ambiguity when I need these words. My short term memory is almost nil at times. I keep asking co-workers and my husband the same things over and over. I feel like I am slowly going insane. Not being able to remember, not being able to recall basic words while speaking, spelling words incorrectly all of the time is so very frustrating and aggravating. This proceeds to heightening my anxiety and my anger. I imagine that to some degree, this is what is is like to have the onset of Alzheimer’s.

And so, my negative persona and my overall hostility rises. I avoid conversations like the plague. I don’t want to talk because, to myself, I seem to make no sense at all. I imagine that others feel the same when I speak. I am alone. I feel so singularly alone in this.

There is no quick fix, and I get it. I have been very patient and open to any and all treatment over these past two years; I have diligently taken my meds. I do my best to keep my diet in check, I try to stay upbeat and optimistic. I am still working full-time. Yet, I still lose.

I still have the dreaded headaches every day. Joint pain. Every single day. I have made some progress with endurance but I still exhaust quickly. While, I think when in the midst of a migraine and nausea, “this is the worst!” really, the slow decay or what seems like decay of my memory and cognition is ultimately the issues that worry me the most.

For if I can’t use words correctly, beautifully, exacting, then who am I? Always one to rely on my wits and sarcasm, without these, I can’t and won’t ever find my way home, back to who I am. I know, I know. One day at a time. Like the Indigo Girls sing, “We’re sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary.”

Right now, I am weary.

Peace. – B