The Livin’ Ain’t Easy

Hello to all. Summertime is here, and Janis Joplin’s rendition of “Summertime” is playing in my head. The “livin’ is easy,” no? Alas, not so much. It’s been a challenging first 2 weeks of this break to say the least. Summer began last week, (and I am a teacher 🙂 ) and I had a few days that I sincerely enjoyed. I worked one day, but then by the next day, I had so much back pain I could not get out of bed without help. The pain was on my right side and severe. Not just like a pulled muscle but achy and sharp all at the same time. So, I rested. Logically, I figured my body was just finally relaxing. I just needed to rest. Yes, right, rest would help. Also, I was able to get an appointment the next day with my LLMD just in case.

But, the pain did not improve. By Friday, the pain was almost unbearable. But no fever. My husband had to drive me to my doctor appointment. I broke down in tears several times because of the pain; it was ridiculous. You may be asking, Why didn’t she go to the ER? Well, we know with any chronic illness one doesn’t get far at the ER.

After a urine analysis and some more tears, it was determined that there were no kidney stones and no kidney infection. Whew. But I did have a possible UTI. Doc prescribed different antibiotics from the ones I already take for treating Lyme and some mega pain meds. Thank God. She told me that we would treat for 3-5 days, and then I should be good to go or at least back to Lyme Normal.

But, here I am, a week later and still having lower back pain. Not as crazy or severe as last week, but boy howdy, it’s still there. Next up then is a lower back MRI with and without contrast. This isn’t scheduled for another week. Before my diagnosis with Lyme Disease, actually 2 full years before being diagnosed, I had a spinal and brain MRI. I was having hip pain on the right side and numbness in both feet (both decent symptoms pointing to possible Lyme disease). That MRI was inconclusive for MS so the neurologist sent me on my way. If only one of the  4 doctors I saw that summer had tested me for Lyme I could have started treatment 2 years earlier and 2 years less sick. I’m not trying to be whiney, it just makes me angry sometimes.

I spent yesterday and much of today in bed. I’m struggling to be productive, to be of value but I spent and will spend most of my time online here or FB. I need distracting, and I don’t have the concentration skills for reading of any length right now. Struggling to stay positive and pain free are the real challenges at this moment.

Am I worried about the MRI? Not really, and why waste time worrying? I am hoping of course that it gives us some insight into what is going on in my lower back. I’m sure that whatever it is that it is Lyme related somehow, and I am very grateful that I now have a doctor who can and will help me and that it isn’t a waste of time and a lot of money like the last one I had in 2011. Last time I definitely got conned in that I had no idea that the Imaging office was out of network even though my neurologist had sent me specifically to that place next to the hospital where he was located! Oy. Insurance companies, but that is for another post.

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I’m trying my best not to be depressed. But thoughts and lists are piling up in my brain:  I’m not doing anything productive or fun. This is my summertime and the days are precious. I had to cancel a few appointments because of the pain issues. My husband has been working non-stop, and I haven’t seen him much. I haven’t been away from the house for a week, whine, whine, whine.

Anyway, thanks for listening and thank you all so much for reading. I do hope you and yours are having a good time and that you are able to enjoy the good stuff coming at you.
Gracias – B

Peace and joy to you all – B

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Identity and Lyme disease

I find it interesting when people say, “I’m not going to let this or this define me.” I mean I understand the literal and also the deeper meaning, but I’m always curious as to why it needs to be stated at all. My guess is because as humans we are already predisposed to discriminating and organizing pretty much everything and anything we encounter. We want to be able to have control over things, however illusory that control is. And defining and categorizing helps us create the illusion. The illusion of control.

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So we look at people and we begin the never-ending calculations in trying to “know” someone as well as trying to figure ourselves out. We see ourselves as separate entities, as individuals.

Anyway, back to the identity issue. I guess I started thinking about it when I came across a post or rather several in a Lyme forum. “I will not let Lyme define me” someones wrote. And while I agree, I don’t want Lyme to”define” me either, it is still, at least right now, a huge part of my life. Oh, yes, do I ever want control over it though! But just saying something doesn’t define me doesn’t mean it doesn’t define me in other people’s or even in my own mind. I mean when we get down to it is there anything that really clearly defines us from one another as humans/people? I argue no.

Anyway, I realize this is all kinda philosophical mumbo jumbo but the brain keeps itself busy when the body is broken. Well, at least now that the fog and the mental confusion have improved in my brain area.

Wasn’t it Walt Whitman who wrote, “I sing the body electric”? he goes on, ” Was it doubted that those who corrupt their own bodies conceal themselves? / And if those who defile the living are as bad as they who defile the dead? / And if the body does not do fully as much as the soul?/And if the body were not the soul, what is the soul?”

Some beautiful words to ponder about who we are and how we figure ourselves and others out, or at least try to. Check out Whitman’s complete poem, “I Sing the Body Electric”, at http://www.poetryfoundation.org.

Wishing you a wonderful pain free day. Peace, B