For the past 3 years, I have been chronically ill. I don’t like it. I don’t embrace it. I don’t want to “make the best of it.” Am I angry? Hell’s yes. Do I focus on the negative a little too much? Damn straight. Can I move past the negative to bathe in the positive? Not today, my friend, not today.
Many of the tools out there available for us to use as support for dealing with chronic illness (or anything else!) are based on positivity. And these tools are wonderful most of the time. But sometimes, I don’t want to be positive. I don’t want to learn positive mantras. I don’t want to hear how much I can “learn” from dealing with a chronic illness. I don’t want to be grateful for every single thing. Every single day. I don’t want to be “grateful” for contracting my illness because it’s brought me to a better understanding of myself. Tuck Fhat!
Now, I am not dismissing the power of positivity and the role it plays in our making the best of the cards we’ve been dealt. But sometimes, I am just plain old pissed off. Aren’t you? YES, all of the affirmative mantras help. Meditation helps. Quiet helps. But the frustration can build up, even when we are “dealing” appropriately with it day to day. Am I right? Do you feel anger sometimes?
Where does your frustration come from? Me, I get angry when I wait 4 months to see my doctor, and she spends 10 minutes with me. I get discouraged when I have symptoms that I thought were gone for good. I get exasperated when my memory fails me and my brain doesn’t work right. I get outraged by the lack of medical research and treatment options for Lyme. And I get enraged when Chronic Lyme disease is dismissed by the medical community and by the public at large.
Sometimes, it really does feel good to be MAD. To be infuriated. To be beside yourself and livid. Does it change anything? Not at all. But for me, it solidifies my strength, my willingness to do battle daily, my resolve to overcome.
Do you feel this way sometimes? Please tell me you do.
Later, my peoples. If you need to punch something, feel free. -B