Lately, I have been feeling like I haven’t been hitting the mark. What is the mark, you ask? Just feeling like everything is balanced. Right now, I don’t feel balanced in my work nor in my personal life. The scale has been unavoidably tipped, and all of my time seems spent on How I Feel. I am diligently working towards getting this scale balanced again, but now, throwing work back into the mix, it feels like an impossible mark to hit. While my job is rewarding in so many ways, it also drains every ounce of physical and mental energy I can muster each day. By the time I make it home, I feel wasted and withered, no matter how easy or how difficult the day has been. I can’t seem to change these dynamics, which is so frustrating!
After years of fatigue and physical pain, I still haven’t figured out how to squirrel away any energy for myself and my personal life while I am working. I wish I had like a bank where I could deposit blocks of energy, then withdraw as needed! How awesome would that be! When I feel this way, Guilt stealthily creeps in, the guilt involved with not feeling like a productive partner in my marriage, like an active participant in social events with friends, like an emotional engaged human. I know guilt is self-imposed and controllable, but it is my go to feeling when I am worn out and stressed. No bueno. Trying to play psychological games with myself, every time I feel “guilt”, I am working to replace it with feeling “Grateful” instead. Am I hitting the mark? Who knows.
Yesterday, I started feeling Guilty for not immediately reading a student’s novel she wanted to share with me. I asked her to email it to me for future reading. Realizing the Guilt was moving in quickly, I endeavored on removing the Guilt and replacing it with the Gratitude that this person is willing to share a piece of herself with me. I will read the novel, and I will give feedback. I just couldn’t manage it during my lunch break yesterday. It’s all good.
Do you feel Guilt? Do you feel like you are hitting the Mark?
Having no energy to do all I used to does make me feel as if I am being lazy, which isn’t the case, then I feel others look at me like I am being a slacker. I have to keep reminding myself that my performance is as good as I can make it and that it is OK.
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You aren’t lazy. Have you spoken to others about your illness? I only ask because at first, I didn’t tell many people at all especially at work. And I felt similarly, like I couldn’t do some things because of my illness. Keeping that inside and trying to do everything I always had done was a lot of pressure and stress I was putting on myself. Honestly, when I started to share with others, it was a relief. Andmost people have been very supportive and understanding. Best wishes friend.