Sometimes, I forget…

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Sometimes, I forget how very sick I have been. I wonder if this is a survival technique the body uses to keep us going. Perhaps it keeps us from lingering too long in the abyss.

Just recently I’ve had a few experiences that have thrown me back to 3 years ago, or 4 or 5 years ago when all I knew was sickness. Years upon years of 24/7 torture. When it was all I could do to get to work 3-4 days out of 5. When the daily headaches and fatigue laid me out and if not, then the nausea and the mental confusion took over. When I was so exhausted minute to minute but then I couldn’t sleep. I was in a haze, a fog; if there is a hell, I was in it. And in it for years on end.

It’s so hard to describe to other people, people who are healthy or even semi-healthy, how sick I’ve been. Even for me, trying to remember how bad it has been is a challenge. Finding the words are very difficult, finding analogies that will convey the pit of illness are not easy to find.

When I was in the Worst of Lyme disease (at least I hope it turns out to be the worst of it), there were so many symptoms, both physical and mental that were going on simultaneously and sporadically that keeping track of these was near impossible for me. I tried writing things down, but that took just way too much energy and energy of which I had none to spare; I couldn’t manage it. I tried tracking apps but even those proved cumbersome.

Maybe it’s like being in a pool underwater and trying to talk to someone. You’re asking for help. You’re holding your breath, but also trying to communicate, but you are also running out of breath. It’s not an easy feat and in the end, no one understands what you are trying to say and there you are, left alone.

All of this is to say that obviously, I am making progress in my recovery. It’s just sometimes, I forget. In fact, I told some of my friends the other day that while I definitely want to keep improving my health, if this is it, if this is as good as it can get, I will take it. I still have lingering symptoms. I still have flares and cycles where things take a downturn and I’m sinking into the pit once more. But much of the time, I am better than I have been in a long time and damn, that’s something and something to hold onto.

Friends, I hope this finds you and yours safe and healthy. I’m thinking of you all.

Peace – Belle

10 Comments on “Sometimes, I forget…

  1. You are doing awesome ! I switched back to an old department at work and all my MS symptoms came roaring back – such an awful feeling ! I get what you are saying about keeping track of daily health – via AP, or writing down, or whatever and then go for a doctors appointment and they want to know if anything new…lol. No just daily fatigue, foggy brain, body not listening, sometimes pins and needles but not always in the same place, stiff muscles or burning sensations but not today….
    You decided life is good – that is so wonderful! Maybe one day there will be a cure but in the meantime do as much as you can !

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Sarah! Is work any better for you? That is such a tough thing to deal with. Like you, when I go to the doctor, I just list the same things that I gave them last time. If a new symptom pops up, I try to remember, but if it hasn’t happened in the 2 weeks prior to the appointment then….LOL I really tried to find a system to track symptoms, but nothing stuck. I hope you are doing well. Thanks for reading my post! Take care.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I think you’ve done a great job in this post showing how hard it is to explain chronic illness—both because we forget and are too exhausted to record it! I’ve been able to fine-tune my tracking—at first I was tracking too much and it was overwhelming. I also really appreciate my doctors who track my progress and help me remember where I used to be. The progress may be small, but it helps to remember there is progress. Thank you for sharing, I really related to this.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hi Cassie, ugh yes. I just couldn’t find a good system for myself. I’m glad you found a way to track symptoms. With brain fog and memory issues, my timelines get all jumbled so it’s hard to remember what symptoms and when. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you are well!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel the same way: I forget how bad it was, which also makes me forget how much progress I’m making. I just wrote a similar post last week about getting better even when you don’t think you are. It’s definitely hard for others to understand if they haven’t walked closely with you through it or experienced something similar themselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I lost four years to chronic fatigue syndrome, so I do understand, I think, a bit of what you’ve been through. I do hope the worst is over. May you continue to be able to forget.

    Liked by 1 person

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