Be Good to YOU

 

So we’ve (as in my husband and I – we are both teachers) been on summer break almost a month now. It has been pure heaven. What have I been doing? Producing? Well absolutely nothing, my dear friends. I’ve had some doctor appointments, dentist, eye doc, you know, just those things that have been impossible for me to manage while working because of the massive fatigue.

But otherwise? I have nothing to show. And how do I feel about this? Delightful!! Fantastic! Superb! It is down right, totally fine. I used to feel guilty about not doing anything, or not being productive every minute of the day. I was always busy. Now, at the time, I enjoyed being active, working, exercising, socializing, and such. But Lyme disease changed all of that.

Over the years (even before I knew I was ill), I’ve struggled with a lot of guilt and angst about not doing enough (these are, of course, self imposed standards of “enough”). I would push myself, as I always have, to make “things happen,” to “get er done” as we say in Texas. While resting, I would stress out about the things I had (self imposed!) to accomplish that I hadn’t completed. Then came along nausea, headaches, joint, pain, severe fatigue. Well, all of this made for a witch’s brew of toil and trouble!

Now, I admit, it has taken time to make this change and there are still times when I click into that previous me mode, and I take it to the limit. It’s usually not a good thing though and if I can catch myself before that manic phase kicks in, well everything is better overall. 

Looking back over my 15 years in education (I worked 10 years outside of education so I most definitely appreciate the time off), I realize that I have worked almost every summer for the first 10 years. First, out of necessity, and then, for the extra money and experiences. These past 3 summers of Lyme have been about treating and resting. Actually, the first summer after being diagnosed I taught a 3 week class. What was I thinking? At the time, I thought, oh good, extra money and this Lyme thing will probably be done by the end of this summer after treating for about 4 months at that point. HA HA!!! That was BEYOND wishful thinking for reals!

Anyway, I know this post is kinda all over the place, but I guess one point I am trying to make is Take it Easy. Don’t Kill Yourself trying to do everything you did before. Your body has to heal. You beating yourself up about it is certainly NOT GOING TO HELP your recovery process. Believe me, I learned this the hard way. 

keep-calm-and-be-good-to-yourself
Source: http://www.Keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

 

 

What are some ways you treat yourself well? In what ways are you kind to yourself? Please add your ideas to the comments below. 🙂

Remember Please:

BE GOOD TO YOU!

Peace – B

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Proceed with Caution!

Yeah, so this is me right now. Up and down, up and down. Normally, I’m a very steady personality. I do not anger easily. I’m good under pressure and stress doesn’t phase me for the most part. Now, enter Lyme. Neuro-Lyme, specifically. Can someone just say, Stop the Madness?!?

rollercoaster1  And we’re off! When I was first diagnosed with Lyme disease almost 3 years ago, my major cognitive symptoms were short term memory loss, word recall, concentration  (I had NONE), and trouble reading.  All of those have improved over the course of treatment. If I am experiencing intense fatigue or stress, they all will rear their ugly heads. Monsters from the deep, I like to call them!

But probably for the past six to nine months, and uhm, this would be way more if you were to ask my hubby, I have experienced these weird mood swings. I guess they can be comparably to PMS mood swings and yet. Along with the mood swings, sometimes, anxiety comes out to play as well. I honestly can say I have never had anxiety except for maybe right before a huge exam or before speaking in front of a crowd. And I never called these feelings “anxiety.” I just called them stress. When I say mood swings, I mean like minute to minute mood swings. Yes, sometimes the mood swings can take a few hours but then sometimes, not so much. From the outside looking in, these swings really can be “crazy.”  Anyone else have this or had these in the past?

Example. We go to lunch. Everything is ok. We have a nice lunch, and we have cordial conversation. LOL. Then, afterwards, hubs wants to change the oil in my car so we have to go to another small town about 20 minutes away to get the oil. Yes, the joy of living in the country. Hubs asks me with all seriousness, “Are you going to be alright if we make this detour on the way home?” He means can I handle it energy-wise and mood-wise. Well, of course I can!

I’m good. We shop. I look at decorations. I look at shiny stuff. Then, I start getting tired. It hasn’t been a long time from when I first made the decision to go along with the oil shopping trip either. Really, in non-Lyme time,  it has only been about 20 minutes. I’m getting overloaded with stimulus and decision making – I’m trying to find some decorative tins for baked goods. There are a lot of people, a lot of talking, a lot of music. My head starts to feel foggy. By the time we check out, I’m done (and this is less than an hour trip mind you). Some strange time warp happens, and I start acting like a 2 year old who needs her nap. My husband is confused by my behavior, as am I. On the way home – a whole 15 minutes – he’s like, “Hey, I thought you said you would be alright?” Sure thing. Me too! I made a point that I never used to be this way, mood changing faster than the weather, and he agreed.

Overall, yes, the neuro-symptoms are improving but I’m still having these mood swings. Happy one minute, bummed the next. Upbeat and positive, then solemn grumpy pants. Pepper in some anxiety, and presto! Inner Gremlin appears!

So, how many of you suffer mood swings and/or other neuro-Lyme symptoms? And how do you manage these?

Until we meet again……Peace, B

P.S. This site has some solid information regarding neurological symptoms and Lyme.  www.neuro-lyme.com

 

 

 

Agitation and Frustration

Hi out there! I sincerely don’t remember when I last posted so just in case, Happy New Year! I was sick through the holidays, and I finally kicked the crud after 3 weeks, a shot of antibiotics in the butt, and some more oral antibiotics. So, it is back to dealing with Lyme only which is a good thing in a way.

I wasn’t going to write today because I haven’t been doing well emotionally this past week, and I don’t really know how to explain it as I am also having difficulty with word recall and with just plain old thinking and processing, but here it goes. This past week, I have been experiencing a lot of agitating and frustrating feelings/thoughts. I think it is caused by stress on top of my limitations to process said stress. Multitasking is just a bad joke on me with my cognitive skills impeded. For the most part, I can manage, but I’m not sure what happened this week. One day, I felt like I was in an agitated and stressed mode all day long to the point that by the end of the day, it felt like it had amped up and turned into significant anger. Anger at what, who knows? I just felt very aggressive, and this is not me. I could not rid myself of the feeling. The thought of feeling insane crossed my mind. It finally went away hours later.

It happened again yesterday morning as my husband and I cleaned the house. We were working and talking about any and everything and I just started feeling the agitation building up. It is really a different feeling than feeling overwhelmed. When I feel overwhelmed, I feel like getting under the covers and staying there for a month. I don’t feel angry; I feel defeated. But this is much different. My mind starts racing a mile a minute and yet, I can’t think fluently. I try to express myself but nothing comes out the way I am thinking it will. Then, as if to add to the pile of thoughts, my brain starts honing in on things like I need to pay bills, how will I make it through the work week, how can I get my grading done with my brain in jumbles, what meals will we need for the week and how will I get to the store? It all starts tumbling around in my head and then my mouth starts moving but in no way am I articulate. Finally, it feels like everything speeds up, and I can’t stop it.

I tell you that this is a new thing. I am wondering, is this a new symptom of the chronic Lyme? My husband agrees and says it is new as well. I really don’t like it at all (not that anyone would) because I start feeling out of control, and I am not sure how to make the OCD thoughts and the agitation stop. Does anyone experience this or something like it as well? And if so, what kinds of things do you do to cope? Yesterday, I went outside and tried to do some breathing exercises. It did help for a bit but it was still kinda scary. Even at this point, my brain feels like it is gearing up now and just thinking is becoming tiresome and yet, stressful!

I sincerely would appreciate ( insert NEED) some feedback and suggestions. Thank you! I hope your week has been a good one! -B

All the Noise, Noise, Noise!

Howdy! Hope we are all having some relief!  Lately, I have developed a sincere noise sensitivity. At first I thought , oh, I can’t really hear well (although I have never had any issues with my hearing). Then, it was, oh, I am just getting old (although I really am barely middle age). And then, I finally realized that I am having some certain noise sensitivities! This is a newer symptom, and it seems to get worse as I progress in my treatment. I have read about people having both noise and light sensitivities with Lyme, but I have always been very sensitive to light  and only just recently am I noticing the noise issues.

Hmm. No bueno! I don’t seem to struggle much when it is a one on one conversation but if the pitch is too high or low, watch out! My poor husband. We get up early for work, about 5:15 a.m. and there are some mornings like today, that I keep telling him to please lower his voice a tad to the point where I can’t even hear him. Then he is like WTH?!?!  It’s a weird feeling when this happens. It is almost like the sound travels in my ears directly to my brain and zaps it. My thoughts start jumbling up and my head starts to hurt. Does anyone else have this experience?

Of course, it is waaaaay worse in a crowd, and by crowd, I mean like more than 4 people. Haha! No, really. In a crowd, there are just so many different noises and pitches and inflections. I try to focus on one, but I just can’t. When this happens, I get really frustrated. Some places/situations I have issues: when one person is talking to me at the speed of lightening, talking on the phone, parties, classes, stores. You name it. Pretty much anywhere there is a cacophony. It for sure makes it even more difficult to socialize…..What is “that”, you ask? 🙂

It’s been happening more and more lately so I am going to discuss it with my doctor on the 22nd. However, I am guessing there is nothing that can be done? I mean besides becoming a hermit which I have down except for this silly working thing. I am making light of all of this but it can be really irritating and depressing. Anyone else dealing with this phenomenon and if so, how do you do it without becoming the Grinch, like me?

GrinchPeace and joy to all of you. Thank you so very much for stopping by and reading.  – B

Cry Baby!

So I’ve been quite weepy this weekend. I’m not going to say I never cry, but for the most part, this is a rare occurrence. Basically, I cried some on the way home from work on Friday, cried myself to sleep last night and then, after my husband left for work this morning, I had a mini cry session. What the heck is going on?!?!

I would blame it on my cycle, but luckily, it isn’t that time. I would blame it on what someone said, but besides my husband, I haven’t been around anyone else. Nothing happened at work to spark this; in fact, Friday was a good day teaching-wise. No event, no conversation, no outside force has caused this. Maybe it s hormones affected by the Lyme? Maybe a release of anxiety?

I don’t know, but whatever it is, it is making me feel very depressed. I can only seem to focus on the negative. I’m questioning my treatment, my sanity, my work and my relationships. Right now, I feel like the world is closing in on me. I am worried, exhausted, and stressed. Things like this are running through my head right now: Should I change my treatment? Should I try to cut down at work, somehow, someway? And if I can do this, will it make any difference at all? Or will I go another 2 years, seeing some improvement, but “not quite enough”? Can I even make it another year like this? At half capacity? Dragging myself through each day? Losing the joy for life chip by chip? As per the Indigo Girls, been feeling like these lines, ” We’re sculpted from birth/ the chipping away make me weary,/ and as for the truth/ seems like we just pick a theory.”

Struggling to stay positive, I think to myself, “so many other people out there have it worse that you!” I know this in my heart, but right now, I am being self-centered and feeling sorry for myself. I’m in a dark and lonely place right now, and I just have to own it. Embrace the feelings and move on. For today, I am in a full embrace and it’s hard to let go.

PaulNewmananigif_enhanced-buzz-12372-1379309462-6I hope you all are having a better day than I. Adding a pic of my favorite actor of all time….enjoy!    Peace -B

Haul Out the Holly

Hi all, so this may not be the only post about the Holidays. Back in the day, I would almost be ready to go for Christmas at this point in the year. But in these past few years, it has become more and more difficult for me to get motivated to do anything related to the holidays. Here at our house, we celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s.

 

Book xmastree

I’m trying not to dread it, the Holiday Season. Yet, every time I turn around, we are getting closer and closer to that time of year. Thanksgiving wasn’t really that crazy, and honestly, neither are the other holidays really. Our family keeps it pretty low key all the way around, but I am still feeling anxious, I guess. There are just so many expectations involved, and I can barely meet any expectations the rest of the year! I am looking at the holidays as a break from work and time to rest, but that is not what most people have in mind. I know that I should be out visiting family and friends, socializing and having fun but a lot of the time, I am just not up for it. This may sound crazy, but with Lyme, I have experienced sound and light sensitivity along with anxiety. Sometimes, it is a little and sometimes the anxiety is huge. Especially when I am in large groups. There is so much going on and so much stimulus, it just becomes very overwhelming.

But hey, overall, I am just trying to be very thankful for all the love and kindness my family and friends have been showing me throughout this journey and, as for fretting about the holidays?  Thems First World Problems, yo.

Sending the sugar plum fairies your way -B