Tag: cognitive issues neuro lyme

Word Loss

**WARNING – THIS POST IS DEPRESSING. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ALREADY FEEL DOWN.

These past 2-3 weeks have not been good for me. I am struggling in every single area of my life: work, personal, mentally, physically. I have not been optimistic in awhile. Between attempting to cope with my cognitive issues, which have become many of late, along with the physical challenges of nausea and body pain, my personal relationships are indeed failing. I can see it happening, but I don’t know what to do to make it stop. Any of it.

I do my best at work. I know my attitude is not always optimal, but I am really trying my hardest. Communication is difficult even on a “good” day. And communication, well that’s kinda “my thing.” It’s something I take great pride in and something I have been good at my entire life. But not now. Although an overused analogy, my brain feels like swiss cheese. I can’t remember regular words such as pliers, consistency or ambiguity when I need these words. My short term memory is almost nil at times. I keep asking co-workers and my husband the same things over and over. I feel like I am slowly going insane. Not being able to remember, not being able to recall basic words while speaking, spelling words incorrectly all of the time is so very frustrating and aggravating. This proceeds to heightening my anxiety and my anger. I imagine that to some degree, this is what is is like to have the onset of Alzheimer’s.

And so, my negative persona and my overall hostility rises. I avoid conversations like the plague. I don’t want to talk because, to myself, I seem to make no sense at all. I imagine that others feel the same when I speak. I am alone. I feel so singularly alone in this.

There is no quick fix, and I get it. I have been very patient and open to any and all treatment over these past two years; I have diligently taken my meds. I do my best to keep my diet in check, I try to stay upbeat and optimistic. I am still working full-time. Yet, I still lose.

I still have the dreaded headaches every day. Joint pain. Every single day. I have made some progress with endurance but I still exhaust quickly. While, I think when in the midst of a migraine and nausea, “this is the worst!” really, the slow decay or what seems like decay of my memory and cognition is ultimately the issues that worry me the most.

For if I can’t use words correctly, beautifully, exacting, then who am I? Always one to rely on my wits and sarcasm, without these, I can’t and won’t ever find my way home, back to who I am. I know, I know. One day at a time. Like the Indigo Girls sing, “We’re sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary.”

Right now, I am weary.

Peace. – B

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Agitation and Frustration

Hi out there! I sincerely don’t remember when I last posted so just in case, Happy New Year! I was sick through the holidays, and I finally kicked the crud after 3 weeks, a shot of antibiotics in the butt, and some more oral antibiotics. So, it is back to dealing with Lyme only which is a good thing in a way.

I wasn’t going to write today because I haven’t been doing well emotionally this past week, and I don’t really know how to explain it as I am also having difficulty with word recall and with just plain old thinking and processing, but here it goes. This past week, I have been experiencing a lot of agitating and frustrating feelings/thoughts. I think it is caused by stress on top of my limitations to process said stress. Multitasking is just a bad joke on me with my cognitive skills impeded. For the most part, I can manage, but I’m not sure what happened this week. One day, I felt like I was in an agitated and stressed mode all day long to the point that by the end of the day, it felt like it had amped up and turned into significant anger. Anger at what, who knows? I just felt very aggressive, and this is not me. I could not rid myself of the feeling. The thought of feeling insane crossed my mind. It finally went away hours later.

It happened again yesterday morning as my husband and I cleaned the house. We were working and talking about any and everything and I just started feeling the agitation building up. It is really a different feeling than feeling overwhelmed. When I feel overwhelmed, I feel like getting under the covers and staying there for a month. I don’t feel angry; I feel defeated. But this is much different. My mind starts racing a mile a minute and yet, I can’t think fluently. I try to express myself but nothing comes out the way I am thinking it will. Then, as if to add to the pile of thoughts, my brain starts honing in on things like I need to pay bills, how will I make it through the work week, how can I get my grading done with my brain in jumbles, what meals will we need for the week and how will I get to the store? It all starts tumbling around in my head and then my mouth starts moving but in no way am I articulate. Finally, it feels like everything speeds up, and I can’t stop it.

I tell you that this is a new thing. I am wondering, is this a new symptom of the chronic Lyme? My husband agrees and says it is new as well. I really don’t like it at all (not that anyone would) because I start feeling out of control, and I am not sure how to make the OCD thoughts and the agitation stop. Does anyone experience this or something like it as well? And if so, what kinds of things do you do to cope? Yesterday, I went outside and tried to do some breathing exercises. It did help for a bit but it was still kinda scary. Even at this point, my brain feels like it is gearing up now and just thinking is becoming tiresome and yet, stressful!

I sincerely would appreciate ( insert NEED) some feedback and suggestions. Thank you! I hope your week has been a good one! -B