Trust Thyself?

Howdy out there! Well, yes, the Astros won the World Series, folks, and we here in Houston, Texas are celebrating! Good stuff! 

So, just a quick recap: I’m now officially off all antibiotics for a 2nd time now in my 5 years of treatment for Chronic Lyme disease. Sure, lately I’ve been a bit paranoid, wanting to chalk every.single.everything. up to Lyme. I certainly try to keep track of any weirdness or symptoms cropping up. You know, JUST IN CASE.

Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty fatigued in the afternoons. It hasn’t affected my ability to work, but I certainly do not get much of anything done after work. I’m not really noticing too many other symptoms so that is encouraging. There was one day this past week that I had a lot of stiffness and joint pan throughout the day, and it’s been a few months since that has happened. Again, good news.

But, yeah, the fatigue can be scary. Ever since I was so very sick this past March, the fatigue kinda freaks me out a little, I won’t lie. It’s one of those lingering symptoms of Lyme and especially Chronic Lyme. It’s like a shadow that follows me everywhere. I can’t seem to shake it. Even when I was off during the summer, it was always there, lurking. I feel like I have to always be on guard about the fatigue. It swallowed me up whole this past Spring, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to come out of it. Luckily, I did but it certainly wasn’t a given. Fatigue is stealthy and ninja-like too. It comes on slowly but quickly too and before you realize it, the fatigue takes over everything.

When I’ve been in the dark depths of this illness, in the pit of the chronic fatigue, the pain, the headaches, nausea, there have been times where I have actually doubted my own sickness. What I mean is, there have been times when I have questioned whether if I am really sick. I’ve  thought: maybe I am just  lazy? Maybe I just don’t want to work or maybe I just don’t like my job anymore?  Maybe I was sick, but I’m not anymore? Maybes, maybes. Why would I even question myself like this?

I think some it has to do with being ill for so long. I’m not sure. It took several years if feeling sick to get a correct diagnosis and then, in my case, even when I began treatment, I did not see any real progress in feeling any better for many years. I am sure there are many out there with chronic illness that sometimes doubt themselves. PLEASE DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF, EVER.

Of course I am sick! In fact, I can almost remember the very day I realized something wasn’t right in my body and that was in November 2009. Then it took almost 4 more years and at least 8 doctors to get correctly diagnosed with Lyme disease.

I know it’s utterly illogical to think otherwise. Whenever I have a little more energy and if I feel a little better, I am doing things I haven’t been able to do in a long time. It’s so stupid to blame myself formy  physical ailments. And yet. Those thoughts have crept in from time to time. Perhaps it’s some sort of weird coping mechanism? I’m not sure. 

But now that I have a reprieve from a lot of the symptoms, I know that these doubts were silly. I have to keep reminding myself to trust my gut and to trust my instincts. They haven’t failed me yet. In fact, they are what saved my life. 

Here’s a tidbit from Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay “Self-Reliance” (we have been studying this in class and seems relevant. Maybe not, but I like it LOL):

“Every man discerns between the voluntary acts of  his mind, and his involuntary perceptions. And to his involuntary perceptions, he knows a perfect respect is due. He may err in the expression of them, but he knows that these things are so, like day and night, not to be disputed. All my wilful actions and acquisitions are but roving;— the most trivial reverie, the faintest native emotion are domestic and divine.”

And also Emerson says “Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

That’s exactly what I intend. 

Have a happy week, friends. – b

 

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It’s About That Time.

“Bus is coming, it’s time to leave
the summer’s gone, and so are we…”
“Let’s go shut it down in New Orleans…”
“Miami” – Counting Crows

It’s hard to say goodbye to the extensive time off I’ve had these past 2 months. When I first started teaching, I worked every summer, as well as an extra job on weekends or in the evenings to catch up and pay the bills leftover from divorce. Summers and evenings during the school year were spent slinging coffee, teaching, or both. But for the past few years, and especially now that I’m dealing with Lyme, summers are truly “time off.”

Since we are heading back sooner than soon to teach the young minds of America, my brain is shifting into overdrive. I’m thinking about overhauling one of the courses I teach. Without boring you too much with the details, the overarching theme is the American Dream. It’s a great theme. BUT, I’m seriously wanting to spice it up a bit. We’ll see.

Anyway, I would like to be able to share some of my ideas and get some feedback from you periodically. So, I am creating a new category for these posts. What might these posts entail?

1. Cool stuff related to the content that may come in handy for me later on ( and Lyme is sincerely stunting my short term memory right now)…

2. Ideas for teaching visual rhetoric and argument. I need to
do way more of this with my students.

3. Just writings, songs, authors, art, whatever related to the content I teach, and things I like and love. Like Henry David Thoreau. Or Ralph Waldo Emerson. Or….

4. Lessons I find that are awesome and that I can modify – maybe – to use in my classes (with permission of creators, of course).

5. Ideas for integrating yoga poses. This one is a stretch (and yes, pun intended!) But, I’ve read some research that using yoga with students can be a positive! More info needed along with a lot of consideration for logistics, student participation, etc. This may not be something I can really do this year.

I just wanted to give you a head’s up that I will be doing these posts randomly so you aren’t like, Say What? Yes, I will continue to blog mostly about my journey with Lyme.

With this American Dream stuff though, I will need some help. So get your brains in gear, too!

Hoping your evening is going well. Here’s some Counting Crows for your segue into sleepy time. Peace -b