gratitude

River Staycation

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We decided to do an overnight trip to a major river about 3 hours from home this past week. My husband loves a particular spot, and the river is spring fed so it is nice and cold. Temperatures here are now are hitting 95-100 degrees with a heat index of 105+. It’s really hard to find fun things to do that do not require you to be outside between say 9 a.m. until 9 p.m.! Fer reals. I just can’t do the heat at all.

We also decided to take one of our several dogs, Newton, as he has made a trip to Colorado (17 hours in a car) and did very well. He is also very well tempered and loves to socialize. We weren’t sure how he would do in the hotel, but we figured worst case, we could make the trip home that night if needed.

Needless to say – he had a blast! He met all kinds of new people and other dogs. He swam a bunch. He had many adventures! Staying in the hotel went well. He barked just a few times but nothing major. He passed out and slept all through the night. We will definitely be doing this again!

As for me, I did pretty well, too! I’m pretty rested up from not working, and the river has great places that are shaded so I didn’t overheat. My fatigue has lessened over the past month or so and I was able to keep up. Overall, we had a wonderful time. It was great to be outside and to enjoy being active!

Hoping your summer days are joyful – b

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Hitting the Mark

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Make it happen!

Make it happen!

Lately, I have been feeling like I haven’t been hitting the mark. What is the mark, you ask? Just feeling like everything is balanced. Right now, I don’t feel balanced in my work nor in my personal life. The scale has been unavoidably tipped, and all of my time seems spent on How I Feel. I am diligently working towards getting this scale balanced again, but now, throwing work back into the mix, it feels like an impossible mark to hit. While my job is rewarding in so many ways, it also drains every ounce of physical and mental energy I can muster each day. By the time I make it home, I feel wasted and withered, no matter how easy or how difficult the day has been. I can’t seem to change these dynamics, which is so frustrating!

After years of fatigue and physical pain, I still haven’t figured out how to squirrel away any energy for myself and my personal life while I am working. I wish I had like a bank where I could deposit blocks of energy, then withdraw as needed! How awesome would that be! When I feel this way, Guilt stealthily creeps in, the guilt involved with not feeling like a productive partner in my marriage, like an active participant in social events with friends, like an emotional engaged human. I know guilt is self-imposed and controllable, but it is my go to feeling when I am worn out and stressed. No bueno. Trying to play psychological games with myself, every time I feel “guilt”, I am working to replace it with feeling “Grateful” instead.  Am I hitting the mark? Who knows. 

Yesterday, I started feeling Guilty for not immediately reading a student’s novel she wanted to share with me. I asked her to email it to me for future reading. Realizing the Guilt was moving in quickly, I endeavored on removing the Guilt and replacing it with the Gratitude that this person is willing to share a piece of herself with me. I will read the novel, and I will give feedback. I just couldn’t manage it during my lunch break yesterday. It’s all good. 

Do you feel Guilt? Do you feel like you are hitting the Mark? 

Peace -B

#YOUROCK!

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Yesterday was one of the most sucky days I’ve had in awhile with this Lyme lifestyle (ha ha. As if and if only!). I was in a flu-like state for almost 12 hours straight with sincerely no relief. The only thing I could do was lay in our very dark bedroom with my eye sleep cover on and stay very still. Moving at all only increased the nausea and the abdominal cramping. The only solace I experienced was the snuggling shared with me by our 3 Chihuahuas.

But today, life has been looking much better. I was able to be up all day, cleaning the house, organizing and getting ready to go back to work tomorrow after a long break.

Even better, after a year and a half of blogging my ever so minute trials and ramblings, you, readers, have helped me conquer my goal of reaching 700 audience members. In fact, just now, we have a wonderful group of 820!!  OMG. I am so very delighted and humbled. Next threshold, let’s take 1,000! Lock and load!

I thank each and every one of you for deciding to use your valuable time taking a shot with me and this blog, but thank you especially for reading, for opening your hearts and minds, and for listening. I am filled up with joy and with gratitude. You’ve made my weekend, and so far, my year! 🙂

Best wishes to you, my people. Be good to yourselves and never stop feeling the wonder. XXOO – Belle

Has Autumn Arrived?

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AutumnFor those of you up north, autumn arrived weeks ago, if not months ago! But here in the south, we have been waiting restlessly. Two weeks ago, it was still 90 degrees off and on. While we had a semi cool front, it sure didn’t stick around. But, this past week, temperatures at night have dropped to around 55, and in the daylight, it has only climbed to about 85 degrees. This is sheer heavenly weather, people!

So, this morning I was up by 6:30 – crazy, I know – brewed some coffee, then headed out to my little deck overlooking our mini pond. I took a stack of grading with me, but still, it was so beautiful outside. It was so very quiet and peaceful and honestly, it was just what the soul needed after battling through this past week. Thank you Mother Earth!

While it was a short week for us, every day felt like 2 combined into one. It really was that crazy. But it isn’t out of the ordinary, unfortunately. And, no matter how much I seem to get done on the weekend work-wise, I still feel overwhelmed almost every single day at work. Every time I think I have my head just above the water, something comes rushing in and I start to sink again. I am sure all of us have had this feeling at one time or another. It isn’t a good feeling, that’s for sure!

I take things off my plate. I delegate. I make lists. I ask for help. And still, I feel like things just keep coming at me, like bugs on a car windshield on a cool summer evening. I have reorganized, streamlined and outsourced. And still. Those damn bugs keep coming. In the past, my adrenaline would get me through, but I’m all out of that good stuff at this point. I only recently have felt even the twinge of a rush, and it didn’t last. Sure, I can push myself even harder, but then I just have to pay on the other side, in my personal life, which has already taken several hits in the past few years. Already, I come home from work wiped completely out, acting like Mr. Grumpy Pants. Pushing to get some chores done after the daily grind, you know little things like a laundry load and feeding the dogs, ultimately become humongous tasks, and my head and back start screaming for relief. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful I still have my job, but at this point, I am wondering, is it helping or hindering my recovery?

My brain is going around and around about this. When I first started treatment, I knew I did not want to stop working. It kept the illusion of “everything is ok” in play for me. This has gone on for about 19 months now. And, I have made progress. Lately, though, I feel like I have hit a wall in my recovery, and I am nowhere near the finish line yet. I am trying to figure out then, what has to give in my overall world to make room for me to work on my health even more. Anyone else in this predicament? And if so, how are you going about making a decision?

I am in a quandary. But, there is no need to make any decision today. I am going to keep working outside as long as I can until it heats up. I am going to breath in deeply and relax. I am going to drink my coffee and ponder ABSOLUTELY nothing.

I hope you all are having a great weekend – B