Lyme and Relationships

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So, I have totally steered away from discussing and writing about the reality of trying to have a marriage, well any relationship really, while dealing with chronic Lyme disease. Why? Because it is TOUGH. In most cases, I feel like a failure and I feel guilty. I know, I know. It isn’t my fault I’m sick and I don’t choose to be sick. But still. All these feelings get tossed around. Many times, I feel like my husband and I just can’t speak the same language.

He’s been awesome, don’t get me wrong. But after 4 years of this illness and not a lot of progress, I think we are both just stuck in how to move forward. How to be more accepting of the chronicness of my illness, and then how to accomodate what comes along with it. We aren’t doing too great of a job, honestly.

I guess like Trump said about being president, “I thought it would be easier.” I thought figuring things out as a couple would be easier than it feels like right now.  We are talking and discussing all kinds of things so I think that’s a good sign. But I’m still scared sh**less and freaked out about it all.

I don’t want to lose my husband and my best friend. I want it and US to work but I don’t have a clue what that might or should look like.

Any advice or wisdom you can share? It would be much appreciated!

Anyway friends, I hope your Sunday was and is a joyous one. Peace.

 

 

Begin Again

First, HAPPY NEW YEAR!  We’re having a very lazy day here at the RBTL casa. I hope you and yours are doing well. 2017 has arrived!

I found the below post in my drafts; I have no idea why I didn’t publish when I composed it but, hey, Lyme Brain here so cut me some slack. Anyway, it actually seems appropriate for today, on our new, shiny bling bling, January 1, 2017. And BTW, I still most definitely recommend the movie Begin Again

A date aroundish August 22, 2016:

First, have you seen this movie, Begin Again? It’s one of those you pick up thinking, eh, it might be OK. I’m not usually a big fan of Kiera Knightley but I am a huge fan of Mark Ruffalo. Anyhoo,this movie is great!! Check it out if you have some time. You won’t be disappointed. Promise.

So, I’m back at work, but without students. As teachers, we have 2 weeks of professional development before students are back. For the past 15 years, usually this is only a week but our school calander for 2016-2017 has changed and so, this is happening. 

So far, it’s been great! It’s always nice to see everyone after an extended break and to also see friends from other schools. My favorite interaction so far has been seeing my very awesome and wonderful first team leader. This lady. She amazes me with her skills and kindness.I love to see her because it brings back those sweet memories of when I began my teaching career 15 years ago. And while I’m sure she is at a point she can retire, she told me that she has no plans of doing such because she loves her work. She LOVES her job. Now if that isn’t inspiration, I don’t know what is. 

Teaching has brought so many gifts to me it’s hard to count them all. I was, shall we say a little late to the game, in that I worked outside of education until I was about 30. Honestly, I’m glad I waited and did some things not related to education. Those other skills, customer service, managerial, have served me very well as a teacher. And it’s always a nice comparison to have when the going gets tough. 

Anyway, as a teacher, I always feel like it’s the New Year right about now and for our profession, it is. We prep, we make resolutions and goals, we plan. And we get to do this with a group of people who are all on the same page. The energy and the collaboration going on is pretty amazing.

Are we idealistic? Yes.

Are we filled with eternal hope? Always. Our students deserve it. We deserve it. 

Starting the year off right.
Source: http://www.pixabay.com

P.S. I wish you all an amazing 2017. Let our shared journey around the sun Begin Again. Throwing lots of love out to you and into the world – B

Just ACT Normal

So for about the past monthish, I’ve been struggling with both fatigue and a weird rash that popped up on my face and arms. Let’s just say it wasn’t fun. But, I’m back on track, the rash is gone, the fatigue hangs in, and we are moving forward into our last week of school.

Being chronically ill with Lyme disease or chronically ill with any other disease means figuring out what one and do and not do on any given day. And while working full-time, my routine is basically, go to work, come home eat and rest. Weekends are for resting. This spring, I have missed several functions due to feeling terrible. You know, like baby showers, dinners, birthday celebrations, hanging out with friends and family. Looking back on this past spring, I think I have  been at a real function maybe 3 times? Now, don’t get me wrong, I am in no way a social butterfly. But still. I definitely try not to feel guilty when I have to cancel, and I try to be good to myself, especially when I feel depressed about having such a restricted lifestyle.

While honesty is the best policy, sometimes it just works better to try and put on the Normal Act. Recently, I was able to attend a celebration. Overall, it was really nice. I also was able to see friends and family that I haven’t seen in quite awhile, so that made it even more awesome. Here’s the thing though, it wore me out. When I get into situations like these (and again, it isn’t very often), I do feel stressed out. Sometimes just talking can be an absolute chore and/or nightmare. And while yes, I am a teacher, and I have to talk a lot in my position, well, it’s hard to explain, but it is different. Worst case, as a teacher, I can wing it because I have experience. Yes, I do have conversations with my students as well, but most of the time his happens, it is usually just one on one without a ton of extra stimulus. It is easier to “act” normal and to be in control of the situation. Not so much at a party.

Sometimes, in a social situation like a party, or something involving many people, I really do my best to “act” normal, to put on the public mask. But it is damn hard. It takes a lot of work. The noise level, the meeting of people, the small talk, the picture taking. Wow. It just overwhelms me. I guess this is due to the neuropyschiatric symptoms of Lyme. One of my strategies to dealing with this kind of thing is I try to switch to auto-pilot. I try not to think too hard. I try to speak in simple sentences. Really, not speaking is the best.While at said party, I forgot someone’s name that I have known for quite a long time, I switched up words, I forgot words. And as my body and brain became more tired, the worse it became.

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However, people can be so very kind. They want to talk to me about how I am doing, how is the treatment, am I making progress, etc. I do indeed appreciate it all. But it can cause a bit of anxiety for me as well. I think it is my cognitive wires getting crossed. So some things that came at me the other day: Have you tried ***treatment?, You look great, you must be feeling better!, Mental health is 50% of overall health, and more. Of course, I want to engage in conversation, I want to interact with others. Yet, this alone takes so much energy. It all just wore me out.

 

On a positive note though, like I said the party was fun, and I was able to rest all day yesterday. I hope you all are enjoying this Memorial Day.

Namaste – Belle