I just wanted a few days….

First off, I hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas and that it wasn’t too stressful. Ours was quiet, more quite than usual. Our winter break started Saturday, December 20th, and I had been counting the hours. Not that I dislike my job at all; I was just looking forward to the uninterrupted and unscheduled – mostly – time until returning on January 6th. The past few weeks leading up to the breAk had been wrought with both personal and work drama. More work drama than anything.

The weekend was good and then Monday and Tuesday, I was feeling the best I have felt in months! I had energy, and I was working through my lists at a nice speed! 😁 I thought I was being careful and not pushing it to hard. It was exciting. Then, bam. Party over, sucker! I woke up Christmas Eve with a sore throat, and, well, it’s been all downhill from there. While I was able to cook a turkey that day get all of the gifts wrapped, and although we had a nice romantic dinner, I felt like hell. Christmas day was worse. I literally was in bed all day. Missing a trip to visit and dinner with the wonderful in-laws, I stayed in bed and pondered my life.

I’ve really been trying to be more accepting of my situation and more accepting of my physical limitations, which can change at any given moment as I am sure many of you have experienced. My initial reactions have been to become really upset and disappointed which then leads to stress, then to sadness and depression. The 4 S slope as I have coined it! The stressful, self-indulgent, sad, slippery slope!  Down, down, down.

But what I am beginning to realize is that that kind of behaviour sets me back. Making myself go through that rollercoaster changes nothing. I still do not have the energy or I am too sick to attend an event, dinner, baby shower, whatever. It also leaves me much worse off physically and mentally. I need to change my “stinking thinking” as they say in AA.

So, yes, it was indeed disappointing that I could not go to celebrate  Christmas at my in-laws as planned. I wanted to spend time with them. Instead, I had a little chat with myself assessing how I felt and thinking and saying, “It will be best for me to stay home today. Between the Lyme and cold infection, I have no business running around today, and that is ok!” While this seems like such a little thing to do, I guess it psychologically gave me permission to stay home without

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feeling guilty. My in-laws were gracious as always, but the best thing for me was the kindness I showed myself. I need to practice this much, much more!

While I still have a cold, I am wishing for a speedy recovery so I can still enjoy the rest of our break. How was your Christmas? Anything you would like to share about dealing with Lyme during the holidays?

Wishing you peace and lots of joy – B

Cliff’s Edge

On the edge!
On the edge!

What a week!! I thought there about Tuesday and Wednesday that I wouldn’t make it, but guess what? I did! I wonder at what costs though. I say this because I have been struggling all weekend with symptoms. Most aggravating is the all over soreness and pain. Then, there are the IBS issues. And then the indigestion issues. All of this hit me on Friday at school, and it hasn’t let up. NO MERCY!

Without TMI, I just feel all over terrible. If I can get one issue to subside, another flares up. I have tried epsom salt baths, resting, pain pills, alka selzer gold, heating pads, gingerale, tea…..nothing, nada. I am pretty sure this is what is mean by herxing!  I have tried taking my mind off the total uncomfortableness of being me by reading, Facebook, grading essays, playing Candy Crush, watching Netflix. Alas, I just can’t get out of myself enough to feel better.

I missed an event last night, a family event, and so that was tough. Then, today, my husband is working on his new shop area and of course, I am in no shape to help. Instead, my 60+ year old in laws are slaving out there. I feel so useless. It all hit me this morning in the shower, which was a chore in and of itself, and I just gave in and started crying. I do have meltdowns like this every so often but it’s been awhile. I do not like it when this happens because I feel so helpless. I feel like I have lost some pieces of me that I may never get back. I feel like I am at the edge of a cliff, teetering, looking into a vastness, a place where nothing changes and I just continue to struggle every day.

I know deep down that this is just a culmination of being exhausted, stressed, and depressed. I guess being aware of all of these things helps? My husband says that it is a good thing to have a meltdown every now and then, to grieve about this illness. And, for the most part, I do feel better after my little meltdowns. How do you deal with all of the stress and symptoms of Lyme disease? Any tricks you can share with us? I think I need some Kid President today.

Off to a nap. Peace – B

IV Meds – Week 2

Today, the home nurse visited. She changed my PICC bandage; the first one was giving me some sort of rash. The rash is small, little bumps only on my left arm where the line is located. It really doesn’t itch. Nurse seems to think it was the clear tape from my original bandage that was causing the irritation. We’ll see, I guess.

This first week, I have just been really tired. But today, I woke up with blasting headache at 5:30 a.m. when my sweet hubs, LM, headed to work. I tried to tough it out and then took a pain pill. By the time Nurse visited about 10 a.m., the headache was back at it. Ugh. I went outside to pick up the mail and water the little garden. Our tomatoes are still alive even though the temperatures are climbing into the mid 90s. By the time I came inside, I was not feeling well at all so laid down for a bit. Sitting up now, trying to have a snack. playing it by ear today!

On a side note, I am so grateful I am a teacher! I have been able to rest whenever I want and that has been terrific! I do have to work a bit in the afternoon this Thursday, but nothing too major.

Hope all is well out there in the real world, chickies! -B