Weekend Reading

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The (completely wonderful) Austin based small press, A Strange Object, launched their online magazine (Covered With Fur) this week!!! This is very exciting news. Check out their fiction, Are You Running Away?, by Bess Winter, and their not-fiction, Dear Albert, Dear Allison, by Ander Monson,in this week’s issue.

Alia Volz’s essay, In Any Light, is about a childhood spent longing for a relationship with her (psychologically/sometimes physically/mostly mentally) distant father, Firefeather. In Tinhouse.

Rachel McKibben’s poem, Seducing the Magicianin La Petite Zine. I believe this is from 2011.

MidnightBreakfast is amazing. The short story, Ethel Chu Walks Through the Valley of Oreos,  by Randall Jong, is about familial relationships, relationships with food, and hallucinogenic fantasies of robbing the oreo factory of all the highest quality oreos.

In case you’ve been wondering about the proper way to interview a female writer, Beulah Maud Devaney…

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Agitation and Frustration

Hi out there! I sincerely don’t remember when I last posted so just in case, Happy New Year! I was sick through the holidays, and I finally kicked the crud after 3 weeks, a shot of antibiotics in the butt, and some more oral antibiotics. So, it is back to dealing with Lyme only which is a good thing in a way.

I wasn’t going to write today because I haven’t been doing well emotionally this past week, and I don’t really know how to explain it as I am also having difficulty with word recall and with just plain old thinking and processing, but here it goes. This past week, I have been experiencing a lot of agitating and frustrating feelings/thoughts. I think it is caused by stress on top of my limitations to process said stress. Multitasking is just a bad joke on me with my cognitive skills impeded. For the most part, I can manage, but I’m not sure what happened this week. One day, I felt like I was in an agitated and stressed mode all day long to the point that by the end of the day, it felt like it had amped up and turned into significant anger. Anger at what, who knows? I just felt very aggressive, and this is not me. I could not rid myself of the feeling. The thought of feeling insane crossed my mind. It finally went away hours later.

It happened again yesterday morning as my husband and I cleaned the house. We were working and talking about any and everything and I just started feeling the agitation building up. It is really a different feeling than feeling overwhelmed. When I feel overwhelmed, I feel like getting under the covers and staying there for a month. I don’t feel angry; I feel defeated. But this is much different. My mind starts racing a mile a minute and yet, I can’t think fluently. I try to express myself but nothing comes out the way I am thinking it will. Then, as if to add to the pile of thoughts, my brain starts honing in on things like I need to pay bills, how will I make it through the work week, how can I get my grading done with my brain in jumbles, what meals will we need for the week and how will I get to the store? It all starts tumbling around in my head and then my mouth starts moving but in no way am I articulate. Finally, it feels like everything speeds up, and I can’t stop it.

I tell you that this is a new thing. I am wondering, is this a new symptom of the chronic Lyme? My husband agrees and says it is new as well. I really don’t like it at all (not that anyone would) because I start feeling out of control, and I am not sure how to make the OCD thoughts and the agitation stop. Does anyone experience this or something like it as well? And if so, what kinds of things do you do to cope? Yesterday, I went outside and tried to do some breathing exercises. It did help for a bit but it was still kinda scary. Even at this point, my brain feels like it is gearing up now and just thinking is becoming tiresome and yet, stressful!

I sincerely would appreciate ( insert NEED) some feedback and suggestions. Thank you! I hope your week has been a good one! -B

Back to the Twelve Steps

Howdy out there, friends and a big Happy New Year! I can’t lie, it’s been a tough couple of weeks. Coming down with a cold on Christmas Eve and working itself into some kind of bronchitis, I am just now starting to resurface into the land of the living. Seriously. While the holidays were great, I was sick for much of the winter break. And, I barely made it back to work this week; three days out and a trip to the doctor finally has culminated in what I hope to be a complete recovery from this midwinter cold! I hope all of you fared much better over the course of the holidays.

Did I make any resolutions? Not so much. Except this. Health has to come first this year. No matter what. A friend and I were visiting last week, and she asked me what the hardest part of having this chronic disease is, and I really had to think for a minute. For me, the most difficult thing has been this: I am a workaholic or at least I was. Working hard and giving it my all has always been a brick and mortar component of my identity. Working hard and being independent. Learning how to step back a bit, learning how to balance work and home; learning how to say no, or no, I can’t do it? These have been really difficult challenges.  In recent months, I have had to, just for survival reasons, take a few things off my plate. Framing this is a positive way to myself is the real struggle for me. I am trying to take it all in strides and to learn as much of what I can about myself as I go through this process.

Have I learned anything thus far? I think so? 🙂 I have learned that NO amount of stubborness and hardheadedness (what a word!) will make something happen if I physically and/or emotionally cannot do it! Ha ha! As if this needs to be learned at my age! But apparently, it does. So that is one thing. What else? Yes, that in fact, the world will not end if I cannot do something or take on another responsibility. And, I have also learned that if I do not answer an email ASAP, nothing will actually catch on fire. Again, I laugh at myself for being a bit anal and uptight this long as far as some of these things are concerned. I have also learned how amazing my support system is and how grateful I am to the people who put up with me each and every day.

If I had to make an analogy, and I will although no one is asking, I would say that for me, dealing with a chronic illness is like the road to recovery. Like AA, or Al-Anon in my case. Here’s what I mean. Every single day has to be taken one at a time. I have to be diligent to not fall off the wagon of gratitude and thankfulness into the pit of depression. I have to keep looking for those little daily gems of awesomeness and learn to enjoy them. The first step in Al-Anon is to admit we are powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. Instead, I substitute Lyme Disease for alcohol. So, here it goes, 2015. I admit that I am powerless over Chronic Lyme Dis-ease and that my life has become unmanageable.

Damn. That was hard.

DaliLama

Hope this finds you all well and toasty. Peace – B